The Importance of Being Responsible TO versus Being Responsible FOR in Relationships
Understanding the concept of being responsible TO someone versus being responsible FOR someone is essential for creating healthy boundaries and establishing your role in your relationship with the other person as a supporter and not a rescuer.
When coming from a position of being responsible TO someone, we position ourselves as their supporter. We honor the other person’s own self-determination by allowing them to take their own risks and take responsibility for their own decisions. By doing this, we empower them to stand on their own and encourage them to set boundaries for themselves just as we set boundaries for ourselves. By placing ourselves in a supportive role, we create a relationship that enables growth for all parties involved.
When we are responsible TO someone we show empathy, encouragement, and sensitivity. We actively listen to the other person. We feel empowered, aware, and relaxed. We offer person-to-person connection through shared lived experiences and we focus on what is strong, instead of what is wrong. Finally, when we are responsible TO someone we trust and let go while setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries. We meet and accept the other person where they are at instead of where we might want them to be. When taking the position of supporter by being responsible TO the other person, we create a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
In contrast, when we position ourselves as being responsible FOR someone, we establish ourselves as a rescuer. In this role, we can actually strip away the personal power and autonomy of the other person in the relationship. In an attempt to shelter the other person from further harm, hurt or pain, we protect and rescue them. This prevents them from building resiliency against personal struggles. This denies them Dignity of Risk and personal choice.
The Dignity of Risk is a concept developed by doctors of individuals living with disabilities between the 1960s and 80s in response to the tendency for caregivers to be overly cautious or protective of the people they were caring for, ultimately limiting their personal freedom. Essentially, the concept asserts that we all have a right to take reasonable risks in order to live full, dignified, self-determined lives. Dignity of Risk means we should allow others to take healthy risks so they can grow and fully process their life experiences. Often, when we position ourselves as responsible FOR someone, we want to prevent them from taking such risks. When this happens, it can suffocate personal growth and self-esteem.
When we are responsible FOR someone we want to fix, protect, rescue, and control. In this position, we are not actively listening and often appear less sensitive to the other person’s needs. This pressure we put on ourselves leaves us feeling tired, anxious, and often fearful. Instead of offering connection, we offer solutions from a place of believing there is a “right” way to do things under the circumstances. In an attempt to rescue the other person, we may manipulate, judge, and ignore boundaries that the other person has set with us. When taking the position of rescuer by being responsible FOR the other person, we may unintentionally foster distrust through broken boundaries and leaving the other person feeling judged. This leads to an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Being aware of how you show up in a relationship sets the tone for that relationship moving forward. Understanding whether you are thinking of yourself as being responsible TO someone versus feeling responsible FOR someone makes a huge difference in how you conduct yourself in the relationship. It takes effort, reflection, and mindfulness to show up in a healthy way. The result is a strength-based relationship where both parties feel heard, understood, and valued.
Coaching others on learning to be responsible TO others instead of being responsible FOR others is a core part of my Peer Support facilitation services. Being responsible TO is the foundation of being an effective Peer Supporter.